You are seriously kickin' my butt.
Instead of making merry and spreading cheer, I'm bogged down with stress and anxiety.
Yesterday I had acupuncture done for the first time. I was left alone in a room with dim lighting, soft music, the burbling of a fountain, and instructions to relax and rest. Seriously? I layed there for 30 minutes obsessing over all the things I wasn't getting done. Cursing the fact that I was wasting precious time by laying there.
Immediately before the acupuncture, I had my regular, twice a week, 45 minutes of physical therapy with the Pilates Nazi, to deal with my neck and back issues from the car accident. Again, time I could have used for 1000 other things. I don't know which of the two is the culprit, but today I feel like someone beat the crap out of me.
Last night, instead of going to bed at 9:00 when I was an hour past feelin' it, I stayed up until after 11:00 working on a meal plan for dinners, appetizer ideas for upcoming functions, treat options for holiday baking and corresponding grocery lists. By the time I drug myself to bed, all I could do was lay there and think about how exhausted I was. And how many things I didn't cross off the to-do list.
Now, December, as if you weren't throwing enough in my direction, you dealt me a doozy last night. After dinner, The Kid says to me, "I wish you could have a day where you didn't have to do any work. A day you could go without cleaning or cooking anything and could just relax. Then we could have the whole day to just play. Wouldn't that be fun, Mom? That's what I've been using all my tunnel wishes for. For you to have a day of no work." He's five.
It's pretty amazing that I wasn't a hormonal, pregnant, emotional, heap of crying mess on the floor after that. Of course, now, I can't stop thinking about it. And posing the questions with obvious answers.
Which will they remember more fondly? Clean dishes, folded clothes, and vacuumed floors? Or laughing over board games, bundled up bike rides, stories on the couch, dancing like idiots to Jackson Five's greatest hits, and quiet moments of snuggles?
Yes, the answer is obvious. So why is it so hard to stop? To sit down? To ignore the chores? To block out the to-do list? To just be still?
Yes December, in addition to sharing all of the things the other months have to offer, you come in with a handful of birthdays, Christmas gifts to purchase and make, parties to go to, treats to bake, and errands to run. And you are kickin' my butt. And my kids notice. And I have no doubt that Baby notices too.
So I'm making a conscious effort to breathe. To be still.